“The world as we have created it is a process of thinking.
It cannot be changed without changing our thinking”
-Albert Einstein
Much the same way I made the decision to stop selling my handcrafted cards commercially, I made the choice many years ago to change my thought process on traumas inflicted into my life. In a small window of time, I experienced death of family members, dissolution of my marriage and a fire that took my home and pets. I don’t discuss any one of the events in detail, for that is my personal history and not for public dissection. I mention them only to start my musing on personal metamorphosis.
You don’t necessarily need trauma to want to change yourself and your way of thinking, but it was definitely a prod for me. Before the ordeals, I had a fairly average thought pattern about life…you just lived it. Obstacles were inevitable, so you took them as they came and moved on with a smile and jaunty walk. But the despair I felt after life altering events, made me fall into deep depression. Smiles and jaunty walking seemed no longer possible for me to accomplish. This condition of desolation lasted for what appeared like forever. Joy was gone, hope in the future erased. I truly didn’t know where to turn for relief.
After the fire I had to move, and not knowing it at the time…that is what rescued me. My new living space was small and cozy. There were people around in the building who knew my circumstances and were kind and understanding, but not intrusive. There were grounds to walk about on with just my thoughts. The greenery, birds and squirrels became my therapists. As I watched and fed them, their antics tugged hesitant smiles to my face. It was in these spaces I started to heal and begin to think about re-entering life again. Not with the same absolute joy and fulfillment as before, but in other ways that dispelled despair. I was permitted by my landlords to start a garden and from that undertaking, found sparks of contentment in planning visits to garden centers, watching seeds sprout, and flowers and herbs blooming from such a small unit into something beautiful.
I began to craft again too, using art as a visual reminder pretty things still existed outside of ugly memories. My life had been drastically altered, but I learned to create a different one to exist in by changing my thought process. My garden and all its critters remain my go place for wonder and healing…to find that pleasing part of me that changed my conceptions of my life could be after trauma.
“Our wounds are often the opening into the best and most beautiful part of us”
-David Richo
“I have never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude”.
-Henry David Thoreau
I live in a small apartment (my cave) in a busy office building; still I am familiar, comfortable with and seek time for chosen solitude. To many others, mandatory isolation is a new and perhaps frightening environment. Covid era has brought the focus of separation from family and friends into the lives of many people. If one is not acquainted with alone time and the potential rewards it can bring, the experience of being detached from society can present extra challenges and fears.
Perception of solitude varies from one individual’s notion to another’s. A few may define solitude as being alone and lonely. This classification can be painful to the individual, and cause anxiety and nervousness. Some perceive solitude as personal and chosen time out to reflect on just themselves. This approach to solitude can be soothing and produce a positive state of mind. To take time out for simple reflection and consideration of where one’s own path in life will lead, can be very fulfilling. Since society coaches us to conform and be ‘on’ most of every second of the day, it is a good practice to set specific periods off from being continuously connected.
Numerous news reports tells how social media, in all its forms, is affecting lives by depleting both emotional and physical concepts of self. Am I good enough? Pretty enough? Slim enough? Rich enough? On and on, negative thoughts scroll through our internal mind scripts, schooling us to be down on ourselves. Repetitively, our minds cycle through the questions proffered by other voices and opinions. One can lose the ability to sort out what one really thinks and feels from what media tells us to think and feel. Time spent in the company of only one’s mind to listen to, one becomes better equipped to sort through the noise and static of other voices.
Others can walk alongside someone on their path through life, but no one can walk it for them. Seeking time to know oneself, without input from anyone else, gives one insight on how to take care of themselves. Once one acquires awareness of taking care of themselves, companionship is elective and enjoyable.
I personally find chosen solitude to be a loving gift to myself. Too many times when we are with others, we tend to engage our “public mode” persona. Not that this is bad or wrong, it is a normal and integral part of living in society where we spend most of our time. For this reason chosen solitude can enrich your life, not detract from it. One is free to engage their individual identity…not burdened by others notions of what they should be.
Solitude is found in many places, one only has to find what appeals to them. I find quiet time in my garden. Pulling weeds or setting seeds amid just birds and squirrels, brings me peace of mind and a calmness that takes the place of any anxiety I may be feeling. Another inspiring occasion to spend in quiet reflection is watching the sun set…concentrating on the beauty of how the sky changes colors as the sun slides below the horizon is a moving vison. One realizes the power of nature; that being by one’s self with nature is to not be alone at all.
Non-organized times to spend in reflection can be found doing ordinary errands. In the spring and summer season, I go to a plant and produce spot to purchase my seeds, plants and other fresh items. The building is on a large section of land, where one sees a panoramic view of blue sky and feathery white clouds. After shopping, I sit quietly and pass a bit of time thinking about my new plants, seeds, and fruits, while observing the reflective beauty around me. It feels like I am sitting in a round bowl nature provided just for me. Other customers come and go, but I am solo with my thoughts of new growth and juicy melons. I allow nature be a comforting friend, and trust in the power of chosen solitude to support me, and provide solace when whatever rough patches come along to add distress and disruption to my life.
“Solitude is where one discovers one is not alone”.
-Mary Rubin
“I slip into a moody forest to dance with the enchanted winds for s spell”.
-Angie Weiland Crosby
Trees have always delighted me. I love to read stories about how beneficial and important they are to the world at large. They provide shelter and shade – playgrounds for singing birds and scampering squirrels. Trees provide warmth for our fires, food for our tables, and enhance the air we breathe.
Aside from their very beneficial practicable support, throughout history trees are revered as powerful symbols of life and growth and a source of magical myths and lore’s. Native Americans send prayers to the tree spirits, and speak to them, listening for their reply. Celtic myths write of fairies and wood nymphs.
So much can be said for trees, their majestic presence enriches our lives both physically and spiritually. I was moved by a poem on trees sent to me from a friend. Composed by David Wagoner, a noted American poet, novelist, and educator. His words reflect what I always feel when I walk through my garden and sit among the plants and trees…peaceful, mindful of nature’s gifts, and that I am not alone, but in the company of wonderful beings. Instead of musing on about how I feel about trees…read the poem below and think about what enters your mind.
Lost by David Wagoner
Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes besides you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you,
If you leave it you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to the Raven.
No two branches are the same to the Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.
“I took a walk in the woods, and came out taller than the trees”.
-Henry David Thoreau
“Depression is living in a body that fights to survive,
with a mind that wants to die.”
-DPsayings.com
Admittedly, the holidays are hard for me and can spark negative and self-defeating emotions. But most days are difficult when you are still in the process of rearranging your life after loss. On the news shows over the holidays many professional speakers worked to bring the subject of extreme sadness to light and provide insight on how to navigate downbeat beliefs. I am not knowledgeable of or disposed to define for others their characterization of these states of being or how they individually would steer themselves through these conditions. I muse only on my own episodes undergoing loneliness, isolation, and depression. Having experienced several personal losses in previous years, I remember well the sense of desolation I felt. For me, self-defeating emotions came as a package deal that expanded. Loneliness morphed into isolation, followed by depression. This ‘trifecta’ of emotions were the essential inner beliefs that stopped me in my tracts and plagued my entire physical, spiritual, and mental well-being. I instinctively knew I had to change my internal dialogue in order to help myself and move on, but it is hard to take the first step while you are feeling vulnerable. And obtaining help is a multifaceted subject with many options not available to all for a myriad of reasons.
Believing in natural remedies and my own innate willpower, I normally don’t seek medical or physicians’ intervention unless it is an unusual health situation. I employ herbal remedies, positive affirmations, visual imagery, gardening, crafting, and musing my thoughts in written words to settle myself. I have come far on the emotional comfort scale but have miles to go. The natural holistic approach is not all that is required for everyone – nor should any sense of weakness or wrong decision making be felt by those who chose any other path. Individuality of choice comes first and foremost when discovering helpful remedies to heal whatever ill health – mind or body – comes your way. Strong inner faith in, and commitment to, whatever healing path you choose is critical for success in arriving at a more comfortable place of peace and health in your life.
While I was in the trifecta of negative feelings, seemingly insoluble problems would pummel my mind demanding resolutions. How do I stop living a life of remembrance to avoid living a real one without guilt? How to stop avoiding people and situations that haven’t experienced what I have so I don’t feel isolated? Can I really turn a bubble like existing into living in the world again? Do I want to? Quite possibly, but the work to accommodate this target is challenging and demanding of physical strength and mental power one must have at the ready. The ‘trifecta’ undermines these very abilities leaving your will power and health weakened so that it is additionally harder to change your reality.
Not believing I am going to segway serious musing into speaking about the Barbie movie, I can only place blame where it rightfully belongs on my friend who suggested I watch it. I scoffed and ignored even the thought of such a ridiculous action on my part. My original mind set on anything Barbie linked to the destruction of the unit and the conceptions that went it. But my friend has a tad of a persistent nature when there is a point she wants recognized and nudged me enough that I finally watched the movie to shush her up. Oh, my. I had backpedaling to do. Not about dolls – still do not care for them – but the notion of the movie hit me like a pie in the face and empathizing with a barbie doll makes me sweat – but oh, poor Barbie.
Living in a ‘pink world’ is simplistically magical and welcoming in its sameness – the ‘clear’ world is obnoxiously complicated and aggressive nowadays towards differences. I had no problem believing Barbie was alarmed to experience the shocking amount of incivility towards her in the ‘clear’ world and wished to return to her ‘pink world’. During my few months of really trying to not have memories rule my present life, many times I wanted to return to a misty false comfort zone. This point in any transition is where it is critical to forward movement – to be careful in choosing which internal dialogues you want to follow – forward to balance and joy – or back to being unsettled and unhappy. Think of what Rosie the Riveter, Nike, and Yoda would speak… “You can do it! Just do it! Do or do not, there is no try”.
I mused in ‘Ghosts in my Storage Unit’ that my primary goal in 2024 is markedly reducing stressful subject matters my mind worries over. And to particularly make peace with any fact or mistake I cannot change. Thinking back, I don’t consider these past years of my life in terms of living in a ‘pink world’ of non-reality, but of existing in a ‘grey mist’ of partial reality. Both colors represent the same thing to me. I was not existing or living in a ‘clear’ world.
I implore anyone who is feeling the trifecta of loneliness, isolation, and depression to reach out in any way you feel comfortable for support. Only too, don’t neglect to look inside yourself for reinforcement. You know yourself better than anyone. Instinct can guide the way to a new balanced state of being if you stop and listen to what your body and mind declare they require to heal and repair. Honor your own path and the choices you make to restore your spirit. Don’t bother yourself with recriminations that you waited this long – celebrate that you have started.
“A flower blooms for its own joy.”.
-Oscar Wilde
