Holiday Blues

Dating myself nonetheless I am remembering the tag line from a 1950’s TV show “The Naked City”: “There are eight million stories in the naked city. This has been one of them”.

Many were sad, wretched, and grim spirited. I didn’t appreciate at that stage of my life – being indestructible you know – how the complexities of human nature combined with a particular set of experiences – then curled around a person’s life may necessitate cloaking oneself on occasion to allow for the circumstance…in this instance let’s say the holidays.

Watching the show, I was curious to follow the dots on how the writer’s interpretation of other people’s lives was portrayed in a semi-documentary story line depicting the connective tissue between events and reactions of individuals. Knowing it was fictional didn’t deter my interest in the history of how, what, when, and mostly why people did the things they did. Holiday disturbances were many episodes themes in the Naked City.

The entirety of a holiday season for some is a harder row to plow than the rest of the year when people you miss are missing from your life or your life circumstance is simply out of sync with being holly jolly. Many reasons for being one bubble short of plumb these days – but pick your malady and don a cheerful faced mask for it is reported gloominess to be impolite and be a downer for others you encounter especially during the major holidays. Un, huh. That’s right.

Twirling yourself from dispirited blue to a rosy pink is a learned skill and needs to be a modulated process done within reason. In legal law there is a principle of standing. Does a person have evidence-based facts to bring a legal case before the courts. My life story accords to me both standing and experience to know how to shield others from my sadness making them feel uncomfortable and yet honor the reasons why I am low-spirited. Acknowledgement to myself of how I am feeling is a critical part of setting personal boundaries all year long, but holidays can be a more difficult endeavor.

Decision to make on how much ‘facial joy’ and exuberance I am going to display publicly verses when I go to a quiet place to unmask and let my feelings flow. And despite the floating melancholy slinking in on cue to an Irish Butter commercial, I have learned to do the merry elf holiday persona pretty good after years of trial and error. To make sure I stay balanced while making celebration cookies – my sugar container is printed with “The Grinch is my Spirit Animal”.

Duality can be part of the sleight of hand required to be sociable for a specific time or even give yourself courage to feel you got this ‘whatever’ covered for a period. Creating a defending front for yourself is like putting on body armor for the mind. Above I mentioned an Irish Butter commercial. It is called “The Middle of the Night” the scene depicted can spin my emotions into deep blue territory fast – An alarm rings and a family is waking in the middle of the night to get dinner ready for another family member expected. For those who have families who are expected this is a heartfelt and warm commercial they can attach positive emotions and memories to. For those not so fortunate it produces a sense of aloneness, loss, and a feeling of being out of synch with what is perceived to be the ‘normal’ and out of reach for you. From experience I know when feeling out of synch with the ‘normal’ – removing myself from the situation is a fine idea. Being out of tune with the rest of the orchestra and continuing to play – not so much.

The learned art of emotional defense for me is lassoing a negative feeling before it erupts in whining and self-pity then go and string up more fairy lights. I do not always succeed in reining in a surge of reaction to a hurt, but I am not overly concerned about it either unless undesirable actions last. Grieving and loss is a most personal journey. No one can walk that walk and find remedies for getting through holidays or any other given situation for you. Spending time with people who value your sorrow and not afraid to talk to you about what makes you sad lifts a bit of your burden with words alone. Others cannot fix anything for you, but acknowledgment from a concerned party feels very comforting and sometimes all that is needed to lift a spirit from blue into the pink.

Finding balance between the masks you may need to wear, and your authentic identity takes time, experience and practice. I admit as I grow older, I don’t do cloaking as well as my younger self. I believe it’s because masking illusion is tiresome. So much better to spend time in environments you feel free to be yourself – even if the Grinch is your Sprit Animal.

Footnote:

I was shopping in my neighborhood food market placing a peach-colored poinsettia in my cart when the employee in the flower section I had gotten to know came up to me with a sad face. I ask the reason for the upside-down smile.

Just recently her friend suffered a loss. She knew I was familiar with that experience and wondered if I could suggest ways to help her friend not feel excluded from festivities she once loved and at the same time be sensitive to the fact her friend may not be up to the full Monty of cheerful. I blinked once – then said, “You go girl.” I know, stately response, but she smiled because she knew me.

I was so moved by her concern about what was appropriate and perhaps could be appreciated by someone who loved holidays in all their glory, but loss had taken a chew out of that joy. This thinking and outwardly expressing same thoughts is the basis of thoughtfulness.

We talked a bit on how those new to a loss during a holiday may be soothed by low key, sensitive and simply expressed mentions. To perhaps eliminate traditional sayings and glittery mottos. To a person who is melancholy over a lost loved one or has experienced any other hurt that depresses them, sentiments like Merry Christmas, wishes for a bright, joyful and peaceful holiday will most likely fall short of making a person feel better. May in fact make them cry.

I told her speaking for myself after many years of getting used to feeling loss during the holidays, I still appreciate a simple acknowledgement of empathy from a friend…possibly something like…

‘It is alright that you don’t feel merry. No pretense is needed. I am here for you to spend some time talking, sitting quietly or sharing a meal.’ Combining compassion, acknowledgment and acceptance are wonderful gifts to give to a grieving friend during the holidays or any other day.

-Leika