“Besides uncertainty… I don’t know what I feel”
-Unknown Author
As I sit and consider the worrying matters in my own life, my thinking goes too, towards the many others who are experiencing the same anxious thoughts. Worrying appears to be an all time unpleasant companion in today’s world, producing in our lives stress and anixiety. Our nervous systems responds to these feelings by releasing a flood of hamones that are harmful to the body if experienced day after day for extended periods of time.
The covid era defintly fills the bill in the long term concern department, and greatly exaserbates the already present set of troublesome problems in our society. I am old enogh to remember when difficulties were not as up in your face as they are today. There were actually periods of time inbetween troubles to sit back, relax…and enjoy your life. Not so much nowadays.
Too, there was not the ever present apprehension of going out of your home environment ‘armed’ to the teeth with masks, bacterial wipes, and face sheilds. Preparing to go into a hostile situation and face any number of unwelcoming complications is extremly demanding. As an older woman with an auto-immune health concern, I recognise being dilligent with mitigating the virial dangers in the enviroment outside of my own home, while at the same time, trying to enjoy my outside excursions. Truly seems like a full time job, and its just for myself. I have empathy for families trying to navigate this environment.
Dealing with virus consequences has forced on us a different path to living our daily existence. It can be difficult to find a balance between confronting both factual apprehensions and acquiring emotional equilibrium in our lives. There are many suggestions from professionals on how to relieve stress that I find for me, just not useful in light of my circumstances. Some I can get on board with.
I think it each person has to assess their own circumstances, including family members in the soultion to stress relief. What works for one, may not work for another. What strategies were possible before Covid may not be possible today. Ingenuity in living our lives becomes more important than ever.
For me, crafting, gardening and reading science fiction are my go to stress relivers. Taking a few hours to fade away from the worlds worries and hassles makes my mind and body stronger.
“What we have to learn to do, we learn by doing”.
-Aristotle
“Some people come with an invisible warning… handle with care, my heart is fragile”.
-Leika
The human heart performs many essential physiological functions to keep our bodies alive. Of consequence to ponder too, are aspects of the heart that are intangible, but nonetheless existent to our overall health. Like most everyone, my limbic mind thrusts into survival mode when faced with fear of personal loss, dramatic life changes, and perhaps my own death. As well, world eruptions that collide with precarious personal situations can sweep the ground out from under us.
I hope medical doctors can address physical deficiencies; skilled therapists can possibly remedy emotional hurts. Still needing to function in life, one can deploy the art camouflage. A protective shield employed to protect a broken or wounded heart. You know the hurt is there…but to others, it is invisible. Therein lies the glitch. Others cannot see that your heart is dispirited if you have your shield in place. Therefore, they may be unkind to you without knowing you are already hurting. When someone is unpleasant to you, one reason for their behavior is that they too, are feeling depressed and disheartened. Lashing out at you is due to an emotional response, reacting without thinking about the other person’s pain.
After some of the difficulties I went through a while back, I was both fragile and sometimes callous to others. I wanted people to treat me with special care, but so caught up in my own troubles, I expected too much. I did not see the reality that others may be shielding also. It took much time for me to feel safe enough to talk to anyone about how hurt I felt. Which was contrary to my before personality that liked to make my feelings known and tackle any difficulty with anyone head on.
My earlier personality challenged any type of disagreement or conflict to be out in the open to discuss and solve. However, talking out problems only functions if the other person is on the same page and wants to work things out. Productive and corrective discussions cannot occur one sided when resolving difficulties.
I imagine currenty in the world many people wearing camouflage to hide their authenic feelings are waiting for someone to be kind to them. It would be good if each of us stopped to consider another persons pain, to walk in their shoes. To some it does not come naturally, I know I had to work hard on coming out of my own burdens to see beyound another persons sheild.
“Life’s beauty is not separate from its fragility”.
-Susan David
When is it wise to let others’ problems and protective self-serving behaviors contribute to your own set of trials and tribulations by disregarding your personal self-set personal boundaries? I say, very, very, seldom. By setting personal boundaries, you allow yourself to acknowledge that your own self-worth is important to maintaining emotional balance, which contributes to physical health. The act of adhering to your self-set boundaries is not being mean to others, it is a form of emotional intelligence. It is not selfish to set boundaries; it is the power to be your best self.
Many versions of boundaries exist in most, if not all aspects of society…spiritual, physical, sexual, personal space, financial, etc. Without boundaries, chaos and conflicts result. This particular musing center only on personal boundaries. The ones you set yourself to avoid feeling burdened by another’s lack of consideration. It is always good to display empathy and get along with others, but being self-aware and firm of conviction to your own needs comes into the mix when the balance of treating others well, shifts to you feeling unwell.
When personal boundaries are not defined and determined ahead of time in your mind, you are left adrift when emotional and personal conflicts arise, and be sure they will. You may start to feel angry and put upon. This reaction is not the fault of any one person who is behaving badly towards you, but in your own lack of knowing and asserting your personal boundaries. Being afraid to say no when you consider a person going over the red line on one of your self-defined boundaries, is to set yourself up for disappointment and anger at yourself.
Personally, I really dislike being mad and unhappy with myself. It makes day’s longer, nights sleepless, and activities I usually love to do lack enjoyment. These feelings combined take a toll on my physical and mental health. I may let these perceptions invade my life for a time – because who wants to be a ‘mean girl’ and hurt someone’s feelings. Again, do I want to hurt myself? Is it my responsibility to be accountable for someone else’s lack of boundaries? Alternatively, should I be true to my own self-determined set of personal boundaries?
Weighty questions for sure. I eventually answer these questions by knowing and being aware of my own strengths and weaknesses; by being self-motivated in securing my own needs to being healthy in mind and body, I can now say no, to what harms me. Appreciating too, this action can only happen after I have given the other person the benefit of the doubt with empathy towards their feelings, reminded them repeatedly of my limits, and communicated clearly my own personal boundaries. Should they choose to disregard my pleadings, it now becomes their burden to overcome not mine. Communication and resolution of interpersonal conflicts can only be achieved by each party’s participation. When one of the parties has no desire to acknowledge their part in the matter, or communicate with words as to a suitable remedy, conflict resolution is not possible. It is not in any way beneficial or intelligent to continue on a path of subjecting myself to emotional harm.
Self-esteem can be a tricky trait to acquire and preserve. Many times, it feels egotistical and vain. However, self-worth does have a bit of ego involved, and vanity is not at all bad when used to uplift your own emotional and physical well-being. Once I acknowledge I have engaged in kindness and consideration for others before I say no to what wounds me, freedom from any guilt feelings to preserve my own emotional intelligence is assured.
“Learn to use your emotions to think, not think with your emotions”.
-Robert Kiyosaki
I had a solid idea that this would be the year I had all my emotions ferreted out – delt with – and could proceed to empty out my storage unit at a pricy climate-controlled facility packed full of phantom memories. My house fire in 2009 destroyed most of my home and belongings. Items not completely damaged or holding an emotional component were moved into storage. For years I have paid the fee religiously but do not go there physically…spirit wise I spend many hours there.
A few months ago, I started to seriously ponder why part of me still chose to exist in this wasteland of unreality while receiving unrewarding returns on the money spent. I waited patiently for me to explain the delay to myself. Enlightenment came in the form of graphics. Not unusual for me – as many people see ideas in images. I dearly love all sorts of photo visions, graphics, jpegs – images in general. Particularly ones that seem to have a voice and speak to me.
The image of the pencil erasing memories suggested to me the purpose of my holding on to damaged and never to be used again by me items. I didn’t want to forget the life I created in that home – the good and the bad -but over the years my images are slowly being erased by time. Fragments arrange themselves in my mind instead of whole scenes reflecting life’s moments. I explained to myself that I save the contents in the unit to keep that life alive – all the while distantly knowing it is deceased. This causes great sadness. It is said grief has many stages and I believe this to be true but navigating the myriad of stages within stages is the real trick. Forging a positive way forward is especially tricky. And with awareness there is a solution to a problem – that solution now becomes a decision-making responsibility. Do you put real effort into changing a situation that makes you unhappy and discontented, or again put it on the mind’s back burner to simmer because it requires too much inner power and physical strength?
In 2024 I am endeavoring to go whole hog on having zero simmering issues in my life. They drain both physical and emotional resources. In my younger days I could have a zillion smoldering pots on my mind’s stove and attend to all of them. Aging has brought a sense of establishing boundaries and limits to the number of festering matters to hold on to and worry over. Nap times need not be disturbed by a rumbling mind.
Knowing a plan is critical to succeed at any project, I started there to list out my ‘ghostbusters’ plan for success. As the list of logistics on emptying the unit grew and grew – my initiative sort of sputtered. I had moments of extreme empathy for hoarders. It is difficult to make emotional choices on discarding items after assigning myths, thoughts, memories and wishes to them.
Too, the amount of physical energy required is daunting. But I found if I paused and spaced out the cleaning – my muscles and will power thought it’s time to take a day off too.
Hard to restart the engines made me decide to just get it done week by week. Steady as she goes. I will add Green Drop on behalf of Purple Heart filled my ‘mind binkies’ very well. My items will go to help local non-profit fund community programs and others in need and pickup was easy to schedule.
For me, part of every project planning is developing a rational for why I’m forming a new pattern. This helps me keep a task of change on track. I think of them as ‘mind binkies.’ They provide a mantra of one or two comforting thoughts to offset unpleasant or upsetting jobs. Like…” I am not discarding an item I love” – “I am providing joy to another.” Taking a ‘memory photo’ of an item can help me discard the actual item I will never personally use again but want to retain the memory associated with it.
I confess to using any trick or aide I can muster to remove negative specters from both my mind and physical spaces. It is time. I do not allow myself to dwell long on the fact it took me many years to deal with key life losses. I could keep asking myself – what took you so long? But no need – I am here now.
“Ghosts are quilt, Ghosts are secrets, Ghosts are regrets and failings.
But most times, most times, a ghost is a wish.”
-Steven Crain
